Warhammer 40K’s Greatest Threat? A Readability Score of Zero.

For over three decades, Warhammer 40,000 has immersed fans in a grimdark universe of eternal war, towering space marines, and unrelenting bureaucracy. But despite its legendary status in sci-fi, a growing concern has emerged within the community: nobody actually understands what anyone is saying.

“The Imperium of Man is fascinating,” said Dr. Elias Vex, professor of Grimdark Studies at the University of Holy Terra. “But after reading two pages of Codex: Adeptus Mechanicus, I suffered what my doctor described as ‘a full-system linguistic collapse.’”

Vex isn’t alone. Fans across the world have admitted that despite investing thousands of dollars into miniatures, terrain, and rulebooks, they still have no idea what a single character is talking about.

The Language Problem: Gothic or Just Gibberish?

A recent independent analysis found that 86% of Warhammer dialogue could be replaced with ‘Grunt, Shoot, Repeat’ without losing any meaning. However, instead of keeping things simple, Games Workshop has chosen to fill its universe with the kind of language typically reserved for 18th-century legal documents and ancient religious texts written by candlelight.

To illustrate the problem, let’s examine a standard Warhammer 40K line:

A normal person might say:

But for reasons unknown, the Warhammer universe demands that all dialogue sound like it was written by a malfunctioning AI trying to generate Shakespearean war propaganda.

“The issue isn’t just complexity—it’s efficiency,” said Adeptus Mechanicus enthusiast Lyle Griggs. “I once tried to read an Imperial Guard order out loud, but by the time I reached the verb, the battle was already over.”

The Bureaucratic Horror of the Imperium

Linguistic experts suggest that Warhammer’s dialogue issues stem from the Imperium of Man’s notorious bureaucracy. With every order requiring a minimum of 17 adjectives, three references to the Emperor, and one ominous warning about the Warp, simple communication has become impossible.

Consider the following case study:

• A Space Marine requests backup.

• By the time he’s finished saying “Brothers, heed my call, for the tide of heresy rises, and only through the Emperor’s grace may we stand unbroken against the abyss of the Xenos scourge!”

• The battle is lost.

“In a real-world military, we use clear, efficient language,” said former army officer Ted Ramirez. “In Warhammer, you need a Master’s degree in Ecclesiarchal Linguistics just to ask where the bathroom is.” (Ecclesiarchal = related to the church. So basically, the Imperium's entire command structure is like if the Vatican took over the military, but everyone also had flamethrowers.)

Proposed Solutions: Grimdark, but Readable

To combat this growing problem, experts have proposed several solutions:

1. Grimdark Simplified™ – A new edition where Warhammer 40K dialogue is rewritten at a 5th-grade reading level. Instead of “Purge the Xenos in the Emperor’s name,” characters will simply say, “Let’s go shoot aliens.”

2. Imperium ChatGPT – An AI-powered translator that converts Warhammer dialogue into plain English. For instance, “The Machine Spirits demand tribute” will be auto-translated to “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”

3. Casual Mode – A version of Warhammer where Space Marines are allowed to say “Sup” instead of “Ave Imperator.”

4. Adepta IKEAus – The Adeptus Mechanicus will now issue instruction manuals using IKEA-style diagrams to avoid unnecessary verbiage.

The Final Verdict

Until these changes are implemented, Warhammer 40K will remain an impenetrable wall of gothic nonsense. And perhaps that’s the way it should be. After all, the Imperium was never meant to be a welcoming place—just ask anyone who’s tried to file their taxes there.

At press time, the writer of this article was last seen staring blankly at a paragraph of Warhammer lore, whispering “What does it mean…?” before vanishing into the Warp.